Small, Manageable Steps
Yesterday was a really rough day with the kid, which threw my plans for day domination down the toilet. He's been volatile after two weeks with no school (i.e., no well-defined daily structure), and I think he may be going through some developmental shifts. That means shitty sleep, constant rages, lots of screaming, etc.
Talked to my sister on the phone, who also happens to have a PhD in children on the autism spectrum. I don't tap into her resources too often because I don't want to impose. But she wants to help, so I've resolved, this year, to ask for more help. I'm lucky to have her.
Today was better -- largely because he was in school. Time to breathe. Time to think. Time to sleep. Also, time to take down the Christmas tree and put the ornaments away. It was a good tree. I salute it.
One of the things my sister recommended during our call was a weighted blanket to help with the sleep stuff. Just so happens my husband's best friend sent our kid a weighted blanket for Christmas. We whipped it out tonight and the kid was less squirmy and fell asleep faster than he has in about three weeks. Hopeful.
It's 2:40am, and I should be in bed. I keep telling myself I'm going to go to bed earlier so I can wake earlier with the kid and have more energy and focus. And every day, I dither and screw around and find reasons not to sleep. Tomorrow's plan includes waking up with the kid, but husband is taking him to his therapies so I can work on back taxes and be ready to file on time for 2019.
Taxes are a huge issue. Since I got pregnant and had my kid four years ago, I lapsed back into filing delinquency. I finally filed 2015 and 2016; '17 and '18 are just sitting there, waiting for me to deal with my deductions. Getting taxes done will help with a lot, obviously. And if you want to enter the housing lottery in NYC, you have to have your ducks in a row financially; that is, taxes filed, debts being paid.
And the housing lottery is a huge deal: It's a chance for us to stay in NYC and pay a truly affordable rent for a two-bedroom apartment. We live in a very small one-bedroom apartment, which has become the source of serious domestic stress for a bunch of reasons. And, of course, the tax situation is stressful. So it's a compound thing: gotta get the taxes filed if we want to get a bigger apartment; amount of quiet focused time I need to complete taxes seems unattainable; taxes continue to loom; mall space with no place to have quiet, uninterrupted time (to get taxes done, among other things) is driving me crazy and stressed; all of it creates paralysis; nothing gets done, nothing changes. It's a loop.
So, tomorrow I'm gonna sit myself down and hyperfocus like the undiagnosed aspie I believe myself to be, and I'm gonna finish the shit out of at least 2017.
Because, on top of this, we also have to call an IEP meeting to get the kid's services increased. And then we have to find him a suitable Kindergarten placement (application deadline is January 21). And then we have to have another IEP meeting for Kindergarten. It just doesn't stop.
And then there's the matter of making sure I'm practicing and taking lessons. None of that has happened over the past several months, and I can feel it. When you're a young woman, the voice just bounces back. When you're a not-so-young woman, it takes longer to get where you need it to be. And I need people to continue to hire me, so practice and study are essential.
The weight of all of this is crushing me. The coping mechanisms that have worked my entire life are breaking down, quickly. I know what I have to do (see first post). But I also have a mantra for this year, this week, this day:
Small, manageable steps.
Talked to my sister on the phone, who also happens to have a PhD in children on the autism spectrum. I don't tap into her resources too often because I don't want to impose. But she wants to help, so I've resolved, this year, to ask for more help. I'm lucky to have her.
Today was better -- largely because he was in school. Time to breathe. Time to think. Time to sleep. Also, time to take down the Christmas tree and put the ornaments away. It was a good tree. I salute it.
One of the things my sister recommended during our call was a weighted blanket to help with the sleep stuff. Just so happens my husband's best friend sent our kid a weighted blanket for Christmas. We whipped it out tonight and the kid was less squirmy and fell asleep faster than he has in about three weeks. Hopeful.
It's 2:40am, and I should be in bed. I keep telling myself I'm going to go to bed earlier so I can wake earlier with the kid and have more energy and focus. And every day, I dither and screw around and find reasons not to sleep. Tomorrow's plan includes waking up with the kid, but husband is taking him to his therapies so I can work on back taxes and be ready to file on time for 2019.
Taxes are a huge issue. Since I got pregnant and had my kid four years ago, I lapsed back into filing delinquency. I finally filed 2015 and 2016; '17 and '18 are just sitting there, waiting for me to deal with my deductions. Getting taxes done will help with a lot, obviously. And if you want to enter the housing lottery in NYC, you have to have your ducks in a row financially; that is, taxes filed, debts being paid.
And the housing lottery is a huge deal: It's a chance for us to stay in NYC and pay a truly affordable rent for a two-bedroom apartment. We live in a very small one-bedroom apartment, which has become the source of serious domestic stress for a bunch of reasons. And, of course, the tax situation is stressful. So it's a compound thing: gotta get the taxes filed if we want to get a bigger apartment; amount of quiet focused time I need to complete taxes seems unattainable; taxes continue to loom; mall space with no place to have quiet, uninterrupted time (to get taxes done, among other things) is driving me crazy and stressed; all of it creates paralysis; nothing gets done, nothing changes. It's a loop.
So, tomorrow I'm gonna sit myself down and hyperfocus like the undiagnosed aspie I believe myself to be, and I'm gonna finish the shit out of at least 2017.
Because, on top of this, we also have to call an IEP meeting to get the kid's services increased. And then we have to find him a suitable Kindergarten placement (application deadline is January 21). And then we have to have another IEP meeting for Kindergarten. It just doesn't stop.
And then there's the matter of making sure I'm practicing and taking lessons. None of that has happened over the past several months, and I can feel it. When you're a young woman, the voice just bounces back. When you're a not-so-young woman, it takes longer to get where you need it to be. And I need people to continue to hire me, so practice and study are essential.
The weight of all of this is crushing me. The coping mechanisms that have worked my entire life are breaking down, quickly. I know what I have to do (see first post). But I also have a mantra for this year, this week, this day:
Small, manageable steps.
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