Here We Go
I'm anxious and tired. My brain is a fog of to-dos and want-to-dos and seeming can't-dos. All of this mingles like the sludge in a running shower drain, and nothing is clear. Money is a constant concern, as it has always been. Time seems shorter every day. The world is fighting and destroying and burning and drowning. My son has what used to be called Asperger's Syndrome, and two-thirds of the time I am working ten times harder than the average parent to help him navigate the world safely and sanely.
It's been an incredibly difficult month, one in which things have come to a head in ways that come as close to complete self-destruction as they ever have. I can't control my visible emotional reactions to things I experience. I can't contain anger or anxiety or panic. I'm finding myself being submerged in an ocean of demands, all of which require 100% focus and attention to detail, and all at once.
After a lot of time spent researching my kid's issues and some self-reflection, it's become clear to me that I'm probably on the autism spectrum, with some form of Asperger's, too. It's a relief to come to the realization, but also harrowing -- a lifetime of habits and compensatory behavior have gotten me this far, for better and worse. And what will be hard is untangling the "worse" and developing new muscles that create clear routines and deep structure so I can function and not alienate my family, friends, colleagues, and employers. It's going to take time and discipline, therapy, and, very likely, some serious anti-anxiety medication.
As I sit here thinking about all of this, about how to start, where to start, I imagine creating a very structured daily schedule for myself. I intellectually know this is a good beginning, I get a twisty fear feeling in the pit of my stomach that I won't be able to stick to it, that I'll fuck it up and fail just like I do with everything else because I lack discipline and focus and, perhaps, wholesome intentions. I just set myself up for failure before I've taken a hot second to set a pen to paper.
Here's what I'd like to do:
1. Make a detailed daily schedule
2. Make a detailed weekly schedule
3. Integrate meditation (possible benefits of mindfulness on adults with high-functioning ASD: https://www.nicabm.com/the-benefits-of-mindfulness-how-mindfulness-meditation-could-help-adults-with-autism/)
4. Integrate exercise
5. Set music goals -- self-produced concerts, auditions, teaching, etc.
6. Set reading/writing goals -- Artist's Way-style journaling
7. Therapy -- CBT modified for adults with high-functioning ASD (https://www.guilford.com/books/Cognitive-Behavioral-Therapy-Adults-Autism-Spectrum-Disorder/Valerie-Gaus/9781462537686)
I look at this list and all I want to do is pop a xanax. Which, when I think about it, might not be a completely terrible way of coping.
I wonder how many of us there are out there, who, despite an outward appearance of being relatively neurotypical, struggle to connect with others, struggle to manage our reactions to the world around us and the outward expression of those emotions that go along with it, struggle to create order in a world that quickly devolves into chaos the moment things take an unknown turn.
I know I'm not the only one. I can't be. But boy oh boy -- it sure feels like it most of the time.
It's been an incredibly difficult month, one in which things have come to a head in ways that come as close to complete self-destruction as they ever have. I can't control my visible emotional reactions to things I experience. I can't contain anger or anxiety or panic. I'm finding myself being submerged in an ocean of demands, all of which require 100% focus and attention to detail, and all at once.
After a lot of time spent researching my kid's issues and some self-reflection, it's become clear to me that I'm probably on the autism spectrum, with some form of Asperger's, too. It's a relief to come to the realization, but also harrowing -- a lifetime of habits and compensatory behavior have gotten me this far, for better and worse. And what will be hard is untangling the "worse" and developing new muscles that create clear routines and deep structure so I can function and not alienate my family, friends, colleagues, and employers. It's going to take time and discipline, therapy, and, very likely, some serious anti-anxiety medication.
As I sit here thinking about all of this, about how to start, where to start, I imagine creating a very structured daily schedule for myself. I intellectually know this is a good beginning, I get a twisty fear feeling in the pit of my stomach that I won't be able to stick to it, that I'll fuck it up and fail just like I do with everything else because I lack discipline and focus and, perhaps, wholesome intentions. I just set myself up for failure before I've taken a hot second to set a pen to paper.
Here's what I'd like to do:
1. Make a detailed daily schedule
2. Make a detailed weekly schedule
3. Integrate meditation (possible benefits of mindfulness on adults with high-functioning ASD: https://www.nicabm.com/the-benefits-of-mindfulness-how-mindfulness-meditation-could-help-adults-with-autism/)
4. Integrate exercise
5. Set music goals -- self-produced concerts, auditions, teaching, etc.
6. Set reading/writing goals -- Artist's Way-style journaling
7. Therapy -- CBT modified for adults with high-functioning ASD (https://www.guilford.com/books/Cognitive-Behavioral-Therapy-Adults-Autism-Spectrum-Disorder/Valerie-Gaus/9781462537686)
I look at this list and all I want to do is pop a xanax. Which, when I think about it, might not be a completely terrible way of coping.
I wonder how many of us there are out there, who, despite an outward appearance of being relatively neurotypical, struggle to connect with others, struggle to manage our reactions to the world around us and the outward expression of those emotions that go along with it, struggle to create order in a world that quickly devolves into chaos the moment things take an unknown turn.
I know I'm not the only one. I can't be. But boy oh boy -- it sure feels like it most of the time.
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